I couldn't sleep so i decided to get on the computer and look for some good porn or something. Instead i found a folder on the mac called "Pictures". Like a curious dog, i started down that rabbit hole, thinking i need to get back to making a central repository for pictures.
Then i encountered pictures from some of our stand out moments, the hurricane, zoo lights, giant sparklers, bondage and collar night, etc. Those weren't too bad. It wasn't until i came across the thanksgiving pictures that i started to lose it.
It was hard enough to look at the pictures thinking how happy we thought we were. And we were, but we also were oblivious to the lies and deceit going on in the background. Despite the condom issues and lying about being in love with Ursula, we had come through a lot as a trio to get to that point. It reminded me of the Ambien sketch that Patton does about getting "the most glorious flu, the kind you get from vanquishing all of your enemies..." We believed we had finally conquered our enemies. Well, we still had ursula to deal with, but aside from that, things were very good for the 3 of us.
Even harder than looking at the picture of how happy we looked, not realizing what was happening off stage, was looking at the pictures not realizing what horrible left turns that about to unfold. Everything we worked hard to achieve was going to completely dissolve, unravel, fall apart, explode, scatter, fester, and decay. We hadn't the slightest clue and wouldn't want one for any price if they were available. That was an amazingly beautiful moment even if it was built on a lie and ended up being the equivalent to a selfie taken while driving that ends up in a fatality.
But... i continued looking at the pictures because i was bored, tired and not sleepy. I kept running into pictures of you looking so amazingly happy to see me and be with me and totally enjoying the moments we were in. Normally, looking at pictures like that brings me amazing amounts of joy because of how happy we are together. We were happier after 6 years together than most marred couples have ever been. Fast forward to April and May of this year and all of the misery. How could we have gone from deliriously happy to "it'll end in tears" in such a short span? Were we really that happy or were you just faking it? Were/Are we really as miserable as we thought/think we were?
Maybe this is like the end of Andrea where the Universe made things end so horribly because me being in Andrea's life in any capacity was just going to hold her back and make both of us miserable. I can see many parallels. You are at a turning point and you are ready for new and exciting adventures that do not include me. As sad as that is, it is a reality.
However, maybe this is just another "left turn" on our fabulous trip to Albuquerque? Maybe this is about evening the power dynamic between me and erik so we are all on the same plane? Neither is more or less important. There is no hierarchy or who is more important. You have already answered the who is more important question. Neither is more important, i am just a bigger pain in the ass right now than he is. Maybe it is time for him to be "more important" for a while to balance things out. Maybe this is a phoenix from the flames for the 3 of us? Maybe this is a time of redefinition?
Or maybe we have just run out of highway? We drove faster than we could build roads to drive on and i painted us into a corner or maybe into a wet paper bag? We should take some pictures of how sad we are now, so we can look back in another 4 months about how silly all of this was. Or maybe we will wish we hadn't taken such drastic and permanent measures? Or wonder why it took us this long to realize we are happier apart than we ever could be together?
I still don't know if we are together or apart and at what part are we together again? Is it when we start having sex again? Can we be having sex and still not be "back together"?
Obviously, its too soon to tell. This chapter in our story is just beginning or is it finally ending?
Thats pretty much it, i saw some pictures of us being silly/crazy happy in love and wondered what happened. Did we want it to work so badly that we never saw it was a complete failure?
Back to looking at more pictures...