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it'll end in tears

Good Morning,
I couldn't sleep so i decided to get on the computer and look for some good porn or something.  Instead i found a folder on the mac called "Pictures".  Like a curious dog, i started down that rabbit hole, thinking i need to get back to making a central repository for pictures.
Then i encountered pictures from some of our stand out moments, the hurricane, zoo lights, giant sparklers, bondage and collar night, etc.  Those weren't too bad.  It wasn't until i came across the thanksgiving pictures that i started to lose it.
It was hard enough to look at the pictures thinking how happy we thought we were. And we were, but we also were oblivious to the lies and deceit going on in the background.  Despite the condom issues and lying about being in love with Ursula, we had come through a lot as a trio to get to that point.  It reminded me of the Ambien sketch that Patton does about getting "the most glorious flu, the kind you get from vanquishing all of your enemies..."  We believed we had finally conquered our enemies.  Well, we still had ursula to deal with, but aside from that, things were very good for the 3 of us.
Even harder than looking at the picture of how happy we looked, not realizing what was happening off stage, was looking at the pictures not realizing what horrible left turns that about to unfold.  Everything we worked hard to achieve was going to completely dissolve, unravel, fall apart, explode, scatter, fester, and decay.  We hadn't the slightest clue and wouldn't want one for any price if they were available.  That was an amazingly beautiful moment even if it was built on a lie and ended up being the equivalent to a selfie taken while driving that ends up in a fatality.
But... i continued looking at the pictures because i was bored, tired and not sleepy.  I kept running into pictures of you looking so amazingly happy to see me and be with me and totally enjoying the moments we were in.  Normally, looking at pictures like that brings me amazing amounts of joy because of how happy we are together.  We were happier after 6 years together than most marred couples have ever been.  Fast forward to April and May of this year and all of the misery.  How could we have gone from deliriously happy to "it'll end in tears" in such a short span?   Were we really that happy or were you just faking it?  Were/Are we really as miserable as we thought/think we were?
Maybe this is like the end of Andrea where the Universe made things end so horribly because me being in Andrea's life in any capacity was just going to hold her back and make both of us miserable.  I can see many parallels.  You are at a turning point and you are ready for new and exciting adventures that do not include me.  As sad as that is, it is a reality.
However, maybe this is just another "left turn" on our fabulous trip to Albuquerque?  Maybe this is about evening the power dynamic between me and erik so we are all on the same plane?  Neither is more or less important.  There is no hierarchy or who is more important.  You have already answered the who is more important question.  Neither is more important, i am just a bigger pain in the ass right now than he is. Maybe it is time for him to be "more important" for a while to balance things out. Maybe this is a phoenix from the flames for the 3 of us?  Maybe this is a time of redefinition?
Or maybe we have just run out of highway?  We drove faster than we could build roads to drive on and i painted us into a corner or maybe into a wet paper bag?  We should take some pictures of how sad we are now, so we can look back in another 4 months about how silly all of this was.  Or maybe we will wish we hadn't taken such drastic and permanent measures?  Or wonder why it took us this long to realize we are happier apart than we ever could be together?
I still don't know if we are together or apart and at what part are we together again?  Is it when we start having sex again? Can we be having sex and still not be "back together"?
Obviously, its too soon to tell.  This chapter in our story is just beginning or is it finally ending?
Thats pretty much it, i saw some pictures of us being silly/crazy happy in love and wondered what happened.  Did we want it to work so badly that we never saw it was a complete failure?
Back to looking at more pictures...

Autism Dad Success!

Autism dad success!!! Maddy loves fries. At times they are the only thing she will eat. But they have to be hot or she won't eat them and she eats them slow enough that she rarely eats more than the equivalent of a small fry before they are too cold. Why did she eat almost 3 medium fries?

She hasn't been eating lately, despite being hungry. Even french fries were rejected after a couple bites, despite "asking" for them. So why so many fries? After rejecting the fries I noticed she would continue to eat them if I gave her one. Weird, right? After the box got cold she asked for more. Why ask for more of what you don't want? (Hmmmm... I ask myself that question daily!)

What happened next: She would eat the fries as fast as I could give them to her one at a time. After they got cold, she was still eating. When it was only short pieces, she kept eating. She did this 3 different times. I am still in schock. This underscores the challenge of feeding an autistic child. She was hungry and wanted the food, but it had to be presented in JUST the right way or it was rejected. The bigger challenge is she doesn't talk, so I had to figure this out randomly.

it'll end in tears

Good Morning,

I couldn't sleep so i decided to get on the computer and look for some good porn or something.  Instead i found a folder on the mac called "Pictures".  Like a curious dog, i started down that rabbit hole, thinking i need to get back to making a central repository for pictures.

Then i encountered pictures from some of our stand out moments, the hurricane, zoo lights, giant sparklers, bondage and collar night, etc.  Those weren't too bad.  It wasn't until i came across the thanksgiving pictures that i started to lose it.

It was hard enough to look at the pictures thinking how happy we thought we were. And we were, but we also were oblivious to the lies and deceit going on in the background.  Despite the condom issues and lying about being in love with Ursula, we had come through a lot as a trio to get to that point.  It reminded me of the Ambien sketch that Patton does about getting "the most glorious flu, the kind you get from vanquishing all of your enemies..."  We believed we had finally conquered our enemies.  Well, we still had ursula to deal with, but aside from that, things were very good for the 3 of us.
Even harder than looking at the picture of how happy we looked, not realizing what was happening off stage, was looking at the pictures not realizing what horrible left turns that about to unfold.  Everything we worked hard to achieve was going to completely dissolve, unravel, fall apart, explode, scatter, fester, and decay.  We hadn't the slightest clue and wouldn't want one for any price if they were available.  That was an amazingly beautiful moment even if it was built on a lie and ended up being the equivalent to a selfie taken while driving that ends up in a fatality.
But... i continued looking at the pictures because i was bored, tired and not sleepy.  I kept running into pictures of you looking so amazingly happy to see me and be with me and totally enjoying the moments we were in.  Normally, looking at pictures like that brings me amazing amounts of joy because of how happy we are together.  We were happier after 6 years together than most marred couples have ever been.  Fast forward to April and May of this year and all of the misery.  How could we have gone from deliriously happy to "it'll end in tears" in such a short span?   Were we really that happy or were you just faking it?  Were/Are we really as miserable as we thought/think we were?
Maybe this is like the end of Andrea where the Universe made things end so horribly because me being in Andrea's life in any capacity was just going to hold her back and make both of us miserable.  I can see many parallels.  You are at a turning point and you are ready for new and exciting adventures that do not include me.  As sad as that is, it is a reality.
However, maybe this is just another "left turn" on our fabulous trip to Albuquerque?  Maybe this is about evening the power dynamic between me and erik so we are all on the same plane?  Neither is more or less important.  There is no hierarchy or who is more important.  You have already answered the who is more important question.  Neither is more important, i am just a bigger pain in the ass right now than he is. Maybe it is time for him to be "more important" for a while to balance things out. Maybe this is a phoenix from the flames for the 3 of us?  Maybe this is a time of redefinition?
Or maybe we have just run out of highway?  We drove faster than we could build roads to drive on and i painted us into a corner or maybe into a wet paper bag?  We should take some pictures of how sad we are now, so we can look back in another 4 months about how silly all of this was.  Or maybe we will wish we hadn't taken such drastic and permanent measures?  Or wonder why it took us this long to realize we are happier apart than we ever could be together?
I still don't know if we are together or apart and at what part are we together again?  Is it when we start having sex again? Can we be having sex and still not be "back together"?
Obviously, its too soon to tell.  This chapter in our story is just beginning or is it finally ending?
Thats pretty much it, i saw some pictures of us being silly/crazy happy in love and wondered what happened.  Did we want it to work so badly that we never saw it was a complete failure?

Back to looking at more pictures...

gonna get a box of sporks :(

I'll try and fill this in in more detail later... but essentially i went from having maddy from late afternoon saturday to sunday night to just a couple hours on sunday.  

Tracy cancelled on me saturday night, maddy has a cold and she pulled a muscle so she didnt want to go out.  Not really a valid excuse, i offered to pick her up and drop her off... no dice.  What i didnt realize is that she had plans for a dinner party with a previous lover and his wife and the couple she lives with, that she isnt telling me about.  Sunday morning she texts me to let me know my visit is going to be shorter because they have dinner plans.  Well, what she fails to tell me is that the visit turns into a pumpkin at 2:30 in the afternoon.  Not 5pm, not 6pm and not even 7pm... all perfectly reasonable dinner times.

Its all fucked up and mostly i just dont want to care.

I dont have the energy to battle her.  If she doesnt want to play nice, then dont.  Dont lie to me... tell me that i cant have a full visit because you want a date.  I wont like  that she is putting her needs ahead of our daughter, but hey... people do that every day, but at least she's being honest.

Maddy is getting to the age where she is going to remember her father, now is the time to excise me if that is her plan.  Luckily for her they screwed up the birth certificate so no father is named.  The only way to link her to me is by DNA, so she can tell maddy that i'm Old Ben Kenobi and there is no Obi Wan Kenobi.  And that if he tries to tell you that he is your dad he is just an old lover who is obsessed and has never let go.

Oh well... maddy is going to need her dad, but hey so did alex and she turned out okay.
 


Maddy...

I cant really post about it now because if i think about it too much i just want to gouge out my soul with a spork.  It was brutal dropping maddy off and having to walk away when i know she didnt want me to go.  If she had the words to say how she felt and understood what was happening....  *sad* 

Tracy is loving it because she gets a break.
I didnt need a break. 
I didnt get to see enough of her as it was.

Twice a month... pretty fucking amazing.
Hope it works out well for tracy.

The best part is i know she'd love to get laid on the nights i have her, but thats not going to be for a while.  And even if she could  bring herself to have sex with me jenni and carlos arent ready for tracy to have any "sleep overs".  So while it would make sense for me to come over on a weeknight and spend time with maddy before she goes to bed and then stay there instead of driving back in the middle of the night, that cant happen.  She also isnt going to get horny enough to want to come over to my sisters to fuck me.

dont care... i just want to be with maddy.

Nearly done!

Most of my stuff is out.  And while it kills me to not live with maddy, i dont know what the alternative is.  She decided that living 30 miles away and giving me 6 weeks notice pretty much made any option or comprimise impossible.  I can always fight her in court and force her to pay for daycare and i have custody of her... but that seems kinda silly.

I have been really trying to do what i can to make this move easier on Tracy and i suspect i'm only pissing her off or at the minimum irritating her.  Why?  I dont know but anything that causes her to think of me is going to piss her off.  I decided to work through the night on thursday packing and sorting because it was somehow MY fault she was too freaked out to stay in the house and pack or that she ran out of money and couldnt drive to kent.  I didnt have to do it and i probably shouldnt have.  She think i'm a pschotic abusive asshole... why dissapoint her?  I know she NEEDS to hate me in order to distance herself from me.

The irony is she doesnt have to.  I have zero interest in her sexually until she is capable of seeing me differently.  I am not the person she thinks i am and if she is basing her decision to have sex with me based on those misconceptions, then that isnt fair to either of us.  If she just wants to fuck because i'm a good lay, i can respect that.  However, if she honestly believes all of the stuff she wrote in that email and those are the reasons she doesnt want to have sex with me, then she needs to show me that is no longer how she feels.

I suspect she still isnt having sex with Jenni and Carlos and doubt that it will happen or very infrequently.  Jenni seems like the person who doesnt shit where she eats and for the mostpart neither does tracy (unless its convenient to do otherwise).  The difference is that Jenni sees having sex with tracy as having sex with a roommate, which usually ends in disaster.  However, tracy sees it as moving in with a potential lover.  She had every reason to anticipate they would be lovers, but she felt like there was a bait and switch happening.  Dont know whats happening and dont care... not much at least.

Oh, my example... so i work all though the night.  I get off of work thursday work at the house packing etc until 5:45am and then scurry back to my apt and get ready for work with no sleep.  Yes, thats right.... i get NO sleep for my favorite unappreciate crazy soon-already-be ex-girlfriend.  No i dont expect a "wow, thanks, you really made my impossible move tomorrow a possibility".  While she did acknowledge that it looked like a lot of progress had been made, she did get pissy that i took apart 2 of the crappy desks.  Why?  because she told me she wasnt going to store them so i needed to figure out how to get rid of them.  I'm sure when i get rid of the motorcycle she is going to not be happy about how i decided to do taht one as well.

Because i dont have a truck, but i do have a convertable, i can take the particle board desks apart on load the wood into the back seat with the top down and take them someplace.  Why was this bad?  Apparently in her mind she was going to donate them if i wasnt able to get rid of them.  And HOW was i supposed to know this?

Its funny, the crazier she thinks i am the easier it is for her to walk away and not feel bad about it.  Ironically, the more balanced i get, the  easier it is to see how crazy she is or maybe she's just more crazy because of the stress.  And the more off-balance and volitile she is, the easier it is to be okay with her walking out of my life.  I'm not saying i havent been an ass, but its becoming clearer that the problem did not land squarely on my shoulders.

I'd love to hear how she is going to complain because i have been giving her more than i can afford to give her from my paychecks, i kept maddy longer than i agreed to because she needed rest and how all of the extra work i did packing and sorting the office area is me being an asshole.

The good news?  Its going to be over soon!
The better news?  I dont have to listen to her bitch about anohter valenties day :)
The best news? I dont have to listen to her bitch about how i've ruined another birthday season.

To her credit at 8pm on February 2nd she sent me a text saying "Sometimes i remember you and i smile. Tonight is one of those nights"  Not sure what i am supposed to do with that information because most of the time she just looks at me with the eyes of contempt or indifference.

Things are going well with Laura
Things are good with my sister
My personal trainer is cute and I'm losing weight :)

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